I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
