Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
