There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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