if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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