Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
time to smoke my breakfast
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
