I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
