i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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