i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
