I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
