I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
