you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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