i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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