The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
