my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
