My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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