I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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