Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
