worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
