we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
