I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like abortions should bother me more
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
