meet me or not, i'm out of control
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
