here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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