I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
