I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
