Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
