his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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