saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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