News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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