While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
