I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
