I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
