Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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