There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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