Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
