I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
