i just wanna soil my oats bro
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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