heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
