i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
