there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
