Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
