Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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