I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
