Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
