you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
