mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
