Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
