There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
