i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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