I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
