can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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